THE WEITZ PAPER

BIG NEWS stuffs your stocking with comedy this Sunday with all-new sketches and satire from this week’s headlines including: Obama appoints a cabinet, Caroline Kennedy wants a seat, Iraqi throws a shoe and Dick Cheney is still a dick. Jay Starr adds his great standup set to a fantastic show… yule love it!

The news doesn’t take off for the holidays – and neither does Big News, Los Angeles’ longest-running news-based sketch comedy show! So join us this Sunday, December 21 at 9pm at iO West as our friends Peter Fluet, Matt Johnson and Andy Trask join our regular cast for brand-new collection of sketches based on the events of the previous seven days – and our friend Jay Starr joins us for a great standup set!

And your ticket gets you into all shows at iO West that evening – including a brand new Mainstage Sketch show at 10, and the holiday Late Night Explosion at 11! At only $5 for a full night of comedy, and with the drink specials at Hollywood’s friendliest bar, you can have a great night out even if Christmas shopping has tapped out what’s left of your savings!

Big News Episode 299: “Goody! Two Shoes!”

Starring Sean Cowhig, Bailee Desrocher, Rachael Drummond, Peter Fluet, Michael Hughes, Matt Johnson, Jim Nieb, Melissa Okey, Tammie Smalls, and Andy Trask

Written by Brandon Burkhart, Shawn Carlow, Tammy Connors, Mark Dorsey, Rachael Drummond, Erich Eilenberger, John Faga, Scott Garner, Julia Gaudette, John Hallmann, Michael Hughes, Matt Johnson, Gen Kiyooka, Michael S. King, Matt Manser, Jason McClain, Rick Paulas, Jeff Perlmutter, Dan Reber, Tom Repetto, Howie Scheer, Peter Soby Jr., Aydrea ten Bosch, Niilo Tippler, Ron West and Phillip Wilburn

Directed by Ron West

iO West
Sunday, December 21
9-10pm
$5
Valet Parking/Full Bar/21+

You say your phone hasn’t been ringing with Barry on the line, naming you as Secretary of the Interior?

Our new President-Elect — and political pundits — had a very busy week considering, proposing, making, hiding and uncovering Cabinet post offers.  Apparently Obama’s been pondering slots in his administration for Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson, John Kerry, Richard Luger, Chuck Hagel, and they’re just the lot getting buzz as Secretary of State!  Obama won’t have a Cabinet, he’ll need a ballroom.

Yet there are still plenty more Cabinet positions to fill, John and Jane Q. Citizen!  To help in your quest, here’s how you can improve your chances of getting that lucky phone call asking you to “hold on for President-Elect Barack Obama.”  Follow these easy steps and it’s ring-a-ding-ding:

1) Campaign for President against Barack Obama.  Being a nomination challenger is a great way to prove your popular appeal as an executive leader, committee chairman, or the politician Republican conservatives hate most in the world.  If you’re Hillary Clinton, you completed that hat trick by yourself and you were First Lady to boot!

Okay, compared to her MySpace profile, the rest of you have totally missed the boat to put yourself on the short list.  But hey, at least you voted this year, right?  Cabinet positions do tend to shift a bit after a President’s first term, so start saving your spare change and mount a national campaign in 2011 to throw your hat in the ring.  Avoid using terms in your stump speeches like socialist, palling around and ACORN, and you’re well on your way to the Obama Secretarial pool!

2) Be a former Cabinet member from the Clinton Administration.  Again, this train has already sailed for 99.99% of us, but it sure is a handy part of your resume if you yearn to be the next Secretary of Yadda-yadda.  Just ask Larry Summers or Robert Rubin, both former heads of the Treasury on Bill Clinton’s watch who are touted as strong candidates for re-upping under Obama.  As former Clinton campaign manager James Carville asks the GOP’s lather-mouthed Bill-haters, “What didn’t you like, the peace or the prosperity?”  President Obama will rely heavily on a top-notch Secretary of the Treasury to bail America out of this financial sinkhole, balance our you’ve-got-to-be-shitting-me deficit, and restore prosperity once again.  Though you may be an absolute whiz at balancing your checking account on QuickBooks, grand poobah of the United States’ economy may still be a tad over your head.

3) Govern a sizeable and crucial state in Electoral College mapping.  No, not Alaska — that doesn’t seem to help a Presidential campaign, let alone an Administration!  Sorry, but if you refer daily to the bulk of American territory, economy and society as “the lower forty-eight,” you might want to get comfy in the political hinterlands and enjoy a juicy mooseburger.  On the other hand, if the voters of Kansas (Kathleen Sebelius), Pennsylvania (Ed Rendell) or Iowa (Tom Vilsack) have ever given you the keys to a headlining State, you get extra gold stars on your Cabinet application.  This is a really swell tack for you to take . . . unless your last name rhymes with Thwartzenbegger.  In that case, you might want to hang back and put out the home fires still burning before your state becomes the Universal Studios of disaster areas.

4) Emerge from eight years of the Bush Administration with your credibility in tact and your soul unsold to the Devil.  I know, it sounds crazy but it can be done!  Just ask former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who backed Obama’s candidacy at a critical time during the primaries and may well be in the running for Secretary of Education or Defense.  He’s certainly less likely to get asked to identify mobile chemical weapons labs as Head Honcho of the Ed, but one can’t bark at his military record for long either.  On the other hand, the job of being Colin Powell has already been admirably filled, so you don’t have much chance at that gig either.  Though they may be casting for a new Condoleezza Rice, so keep in touch with your agent, by all means.

Let’s face it, gang: Barack probably is not going to be punching your T-Mobile’s digits to fill a Cabinet slot this week.  I think John McCain and Sarah Palin effectively put the kibash on yanking Joe Plumbers out of the citizenry and plopping them onto the center stage of American politics. It does help to know a little something about foreign affairs and global politics before you start shouting to cameras about a candidate prompting the death of Israel.   More importantly, it helps to be an actual plumber before you bask in your fifteen famous minutes as Joe the Plumber.

So if you still want a shot at slipping into at one of the lesser Secretary gigs, start thinking in widescreen high-definition, America!  President-Elect Obama and his crowded Cabinet contenders are going to need all the big picture thinking they can get after eight years of iPod-sized leadership.

In the wake of an historic American election, Governor Sarah Palin wasted no time in turning on a dime and leaving seven cents change:

“I don’t think anybody should give Sarah Palin that much credit…that my presence on the ticket would trump the economic crisis that America found itself in a couple of months ago and attribute John McCain’s loss to me,” the Wasilla Wonder said of her long-forgotten Vice Presidential campaign of twenty-four hours ago.

John McCain’s loss.

Palin exhibits no responsibility for her actions, ignores polls which prove her negative impact on the ticket, and quickly throws her “hero” under the bus to serve her agenda.  Who says this hockey harpy doesn’t have a future in the Republican party?  The woman’s a natural!

Sadly, for now it’s goodbye to Neiman-Marcus and back to protecting American’s northern airspace for Vladmir Putin’s head-rearing flybys.  By the way there, Gov, if Putin or any Russian jets actually do intrude on your snowy state’s borders, by golly you might want to crank up the phone and call President Obama at the White House to let him know.  That’s kind of an important detail concerning our nation’s defense, you betcha!

Does Sarah have her mascara-laden eyes on a national office in 2012, now that pesky McCain is no longer dragging on her $150,000 coattails?  Today’s polls asking who could best lead the Republicans moving forward puts Palin in 3rd place behind Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, two of a handful of prominent, nationally vetted GOPers who have already lost a bid to be President.  Losing as the nominated VP is the Webster’s definition of persona second banana, just ask Dan Quayle.

Of course this is also a sad day for Joe the Plumber, the GOP’s second fictional character trotted out in this election cycle to stand up as a cynical parody of the average American citizen.  But at least Joe has his publicist, his country music recording contract and his book deal to fall back on while he doesn’t buy that plumbing company he mentioned to Obama.  Word to Joe: don’t be surprised if those record producers and publishers suddenly become a bit slow in returning your calls.  I’m just saying.  That ding! you heard today was the kitchen timer and the national media set it for fifteen minutes.  No, there aren’t brownies!  But get your fork ready because something’s done, all right.

Now you had better hope that President Obama gets down to work fixing the economy and lowering taxes for average Americans since your club membership was just reinstated.  That is, when Obama isn’t bringing the “death to Israel” — that was your prodigious foreign policy experience proclaiming that gem, wasn’t it?  Maybe you can be Palin’s Secretary of State in 2012, when all our adversarial countries will be airlifted within walking distance of the White House portico so Sarah can keep an eye on ‘em?  Gotta watch ‘em like a hawk, ya know!

At last this stupid election is over so Sarah Palin can put that albatross John McCain behind her and get back to firing underlings in Alaska, since it’s not an unethical abuse of power.  Though you might want to get the hubby to put the kibash on that whole secession idea if you plan to run again in four years: you’d no longer be eligible for the U.S. Presidency.  In the meantime, I hear the Sak’s Thrift Avenue in Anchorage has some darling outfits on sale this month.  Dress for success in 2012!

Barack Obama is elected the 44th President of the United States.

How I wish Tim Russert had been at the MSNBC desk for us to watch his delight in this most improbable moment in history.  But Tim was there in his own way, no doubt, and his smile lights all Heaven tonight.  Nirvana.  Nirvana.  Nirvana.

Tonight we celebrate.

Tomorrow, roll up your sleeves, America.  Now the real work begins.

It’s time to step up to the plate, Americans.  The candidates have said enough, today is the time for your voice to be heard — but only if you get out and vote.

Oh, and if you can, go ahead and vote for Barack Obama, if for no other reason than to raise the taxes of John and Cindy McCain: better they sell one of their many houses to pay their share than the bank foreclosing on yours.

Good luck and good voting, then spread the word.  Voters make change.

Election 2008 Voting Information

Today, November 4th, is Election Day! Remember to vote—not just for Barack Obama, but for Congressional, state, and local candidates as well.

Where and when do I vote?

Find your polling place, voting times, and other important information by checking out these sites and the hotline below. These resources are good, but not perfect. To be doubly sure, you can also contact your local elections office.

• Obama’s VoteForChange site: voteforchange.com
• League of Women Voters’ site: vote411.org/pollfinder.php
• Obama’s voter hotline: 877-US4-OBAMA (877-874-6226)

What should I do before I go?

• After you’ve entered your address on either Vote For Change or Vote411, read the voting instructions and special rules for your state.
• Voting ID laws vary from state to state, but if you have ID, bring it.
• Check out all the voting myths and misinformation to look out for: http://truth.voteforchange.com/

What if something goes wrong?

• Not on the voter list? Make sure you’re at the right polling place, then demand a provisional ballot.
• If you’re voting on an electronic machine with a paper record, verify that the record is accurate.
• Need legal help? Call 1-866-OUR-VOTE.
• If you encounter a problem, try to videotape the situation and submit it to VideoTheVote.org

Want to do more?

• Text all of your friends: “Vote Obama today! Pass it on!”
• Make calls from home for Obama.

Now, everybody go vote!!!